The Guilt Of Motherhood

Motherhood is such a bliss. Motherhood is that moment after childbirth when your life changes for ever, following which there are innumerable moments of joys and a lifetime of pride. Haven’t women always been celebrated for being extra-ordinary in their role as a mother? How many times have we seen motherhood being depicted in glorious forms in popular culture? Every FMGC ad on TV where the homemaker is invariably a woman is always calm, composed and knows all the answers. She is always sorted. Isn’t it all so beautiful and pleasing? After all women have been told for ages that motherhood comes naturally to them. They are masters in it even though hardly all studied it in their growing up years.

But let’s put a break to that stereotype and cut to a story of a real struggling mother who is never calm. Have you met her? Does she live in your neighbourhood? Have your heard women whispering about ‘that’ mother who always shouts at her children and is doing everything wrong? You must have. Everyone knows that one mother who doesn’t embody the set virtues assigned for motherhood. This time let’s talk about that mother who hasn’t understood motherhood like she ought to. Let’s talk about the mother who is learning as she is teaching her kid to be a human being. Let’s talk about all the guilt that she carries to bed every night, mentally berating herself for failing her child. Let’s talk.

Not all women are born mothers. At least not those who belong to this generation who have been raised to be go-getters. In their childhood they spent their time studying and playing, their college life was spent enjoying with friends and a few romances. Then came work life which was pretty hard in itself. All this while she was just another girl with ambitions in her eyes and as equal as any male counterpart. Motherhood might have been a choice she made. But the compromises, the long hours, career-ending decisions never seemed to be a part of the deal when she took the decision. But suddenly overnight her life encircled around the tiny human being who completely relied on her.

That’s one of the most humbling feeling any person can ever feel. That feeling when another being is completely dependent on you – for food and for everything else. She spends her days and nights caring for the child. Help is around no doubt, and when asked more hands come forward then needed. But she and the child form a bond that is unbreakable, impenetrable and beyond the glossiness of words. The love a mother feels for a child cannot be expressed in words. Maybe poets have been able to justify the feeling, maybe dreamers understood the depth of that feeling but not all can express its piousness. It’s in that one moment when a girl truly becomes a woman, when she knows that she can’t love anyone more ever. Her child becomes her last love. Her final vow of commitment.

But with this feeling of completeness creeps in guilt. It is like slow poison which enters a mother’s life slowly, steadily and no matter how much she tries, she never seems to get rid of it. Guilt begins when that night she slept without realising her child was wet and needed fresh nappies. The guilt happens when the child cries of hunger because she hadn’t fed on time. The guilt strengthens when the baby falls ill and cries endlessly for hours and she helplessly holds on. The guilt overpowers when the child gets hurts by taking a bad fall. And finally it’s this guilt that consumes her when she can no longer sleep peacefully because she feels she has failed.

Mothers if you too have been consumed by this terrible, terrible feeling, know that you are not alone. You are not battling depression alone. You are not alone who is facing identity crisis. You aren’t alone dealing with the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood. Look around. There are many like you. Be sure that they are all smiling when they step out of the house. Look beyond their smile. Lookout for those tired eyes. You will find many like you. After all we are all gen-nex mothers who haven’t a clue about what’s happening and how to get it all right. Popular culture and media definitely isn’t helping. Who helps then? Oh! It takes a village to raise a kid, you surely know that. Ask for help. Talk to fellow mothers. Take out time for yourself. Do not be guilty if your child didn’t eat on time. Relax if you over-slept. Before allowing others to judge you, stop judging yourself.

You cannot do away with the guilt. That’s the bane of motherhood. It’s going to live with you. But don’t let it consume you. Make peace with it. Know you are not going to be perfect. Nobody is perfect. Everyone who seems to have it all sorted, haven’t actually a clue! So just relax and enjoy motherhood with a smile.